


Good Enough

by starofhemera



Category: Stay - Fandom, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Félix's POV, Gen, Insecurities, Self-affirmation, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 06:25:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17360699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starofhemera/pseuds/starofhemera
Summary: Felix is not blind, deaf, or dumb. Of course, he knows just how lacking he is in a lot of aspects. Especially compared to his own members.





	Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is no way represents Lee Felix's actual feelings. I won't know since I don't know him personally (*cries my bias will never know of my existence*). This is just a work of fiction I got from my imagination. And I sure do not hope he feels like this because my boi's perfect just as he is.

 

Felix yawned for the sixth time since he sat on his desk. He rubbed his eyes aggressively, willing himself to get rid of the drowsiness that was starting to seize his body. He went back to reading a passage in the Korean textbook he had bought months ago. He had been stuck on the same page for quite a while. At first, he thought he would get it eventually, that he just needed to keep reading until the words made sense. But two hours later, Felix could feel the frustration coursing through him, sparking a storm of anger that could burst any moment. He picked up the textbook, crumpled it, and flung it across the wall.

 

"Why am I so stupid?" He asked himself as he pounded his fist on his desk, as if the said thing held the answer to his question but would not give it to him. “Why? Why? Why?” Felix could feel his tears in his eyes. He had been studying Korean every night and at every single time when they don’t have a recording, a dance practice or a photoshoot. His free time was spent on studying the said language and as it turned out, his rest time was allotted for it too. He barely slept. If not sleeping would be a contest, he was sure he would give Bang Chan a run for his money. But Felix thought, unlike him, Stray Kids’ leader could get things done rather well.

 

Felix put his head on his hands and closed his eyes. Memories of the times when he made mistakes on his pronunciation of Korean words were flashing on his mind. Interviewers pointing it out to him as if he had not already realized it. Korean netizens harshly commenting on it as if he was not already beating himself up for it. But one memory stood out more than the others. That of JYP telling him his Korean wasn't good enough. That he wasn't good enough.

 

A few minutes later, he stood up, picked up the textbook off the ground, went back to his desk, and continued studying until the sunshine peaked through the blinds to announce the arrival of morning. Felix was determined to try even if try as he may, he would never be good enough.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Felix hauls himself off the bathroom floor. He had cleaned the mess he made that anyone could walk there and would not even suspect that he had been throwing up earlier. He looks in the mirror and almost gag at the sight of himself. The dark circles under his eyes are prominent. His freckles look even more visible it's disgusting. That's what some people say. And his complexion is pale as a ghost. He looks ugly. So freaking ugly. Well, he was always ugly, he thought. Makeup might have succeeded in hiding some of the ugliness but Felix is aware he was never as attractive as people would have liked an idol to be. In Australia, he was not as handsome as Chan. In Korea, he was far from being as beautiful as Hyunjin. Also, not as effortlessly adorable as Jeongin. His members look like idols and he doesn't. Yes, he read the comments. He heard some people say he doesn't quite belong in the group looks-wise. He's not blind. He's not deaf. And he's not dumb. He knows they were right.

 

He stares at himself in the mirror some more. He looks thinner now. His face has lost some of its roundnes. He feels a pang of pain knowing that they were all under the same grueling schedule and harsh diet and yet his members don't look as horrible as he does. Yes, he is not attractive and there is nothing he can do about that. He'll just act like he doesn't care. Like he likes himself enough. As long as his members and the company think he's still decent enough to be in the group, then he'll settle for that. They don't need to know how ugly he truly thinks he is.

 

* * *

 

 

"Lix, this is you here."

 

Chan pointed to him his part of the song and Felix nods. It’s short. But it’s fine. Really. Maybe that way people will not notice how lacking he really is. Maybe they will not realize that JYP was right. He is still not ready. Maybe they will not see how untalented he really is compared to his members. He will make most of the lines he will get even if they're short. That's the only thing he could do anyway. It’s not like he has a right to complain. How could he say that Changbin and Han always get such a large chunk of the song and it’s unfair when the two of them had written the lyrics? When the two of them are obviously, way better rappers than he is? Felix swallows. He will not complain. Whatever they give him, he'll take it. At least, they actually give him something to do. And maybe the fact that his lines were short is the best for many of their songs. Besides, it’s not like his voice is that special. Sure, it is deep and people are surprised at first. But soon they get over it. They’ll lose the fascination they had over his voice and move on to admiring his members' talents. Like how Han is the main rapper but is also the one who can sing the highest note. Or how Changbin, also the main rapper, but sings so well and with so much conviction. The two of them are so talented that even if he is in the rap line with them both, he gets outshined every time. But it's okay, Felix thought. At least, they let him share their spotlight even if they can do his part better than he can.

 

* * *

 

 

Felix would like to say that his contribution in Stray Kids would be dance but he couldn't. Truth be told, Minho is a far better dancer than he is. Heck, even Hyunjin dances better than him. So even in his chosen craft, in his first love, he is outshined. Felix knows it could be because they had been dancing longer than him. But he could not help but wonder if he's a really good dancer or just someone who knows how to dance but is nothing special. Felix likes to think he's special but whenever he watches Minho dance, his heart always sinks.

 

"Ugh, I really hate this part." Seungmin whines as he messed up a dance move again. Woojin beside him has the same sour look on his face.  
Felix goes over to them to teach. "Turn your body this way."  
Woojin huffs. "If only I'm as flexible like you, Lix, sure, I'll turn my body that way."

 

 _You're the main singer you don't need to be flexible,_ Felix thinks. He could only dream of being able to sing like Woojin. People have always commented on how his singing voice is so different from his talking or rapping voice but that’s just it. Different. They don’t say he’s a good singer. Just that his singing voice is different from what they expected. Besides, he has never missed the unimpressed looks of the fans when he was asked to sing in a fan meeting.

 

"You'll get this eventually," Felix said, smiling encouragingly at Woojin.

 

"Yeah, when is ‘eventually’? Because I'd like to know," Seungmin says sarcastically as he sits down on the floor.

 

Felix just looks at him. Seungmin could dance. Not as good as Minho but he can dance. Not only that, he's smart as hell too. But what Felix envied the most about him is the fact that on stage, Seungmin's voice is so stable. Sometimes, even more stable than Bang Chan. When he is fighting so hard to catch his breath after some short lines on a verse, Seungmin could deliver very clean, clear, stable notes even after jumping and twisting his body on stage. Felix wishes he could be as stable as him. But maybe some people are just better than others. At least that's what polls tell you. Popularity polls. Bias ranking. Those kind of polls.

 

Felix shakes his head to shake the thought of those polls. He grabs Seungmin's arm to make him stand up and continues teaching both he and Woojin the move patiently until they got it.

 

* * *

 

Felix takes deep breaths to compose himself. He does these breathing exercises before they go into a performance to keep the nerves at bay. He turns his head to look at his members, and then to the sea of screaming fans. His members look nervous as they always do, knowing that the fans aren’t all theirs. This is a music show after all and they were performing their comeback. Well, Felix thinks whatever happens, happens and that’s just how it’s gonna be. No use in thinking too much since you can't always please people or change their minds when its already made up. The only thing he could control is himself and how he thinks about himself. He knows he's not attractive. He knows there's people more talented than he is. He knows he's lacking in so many aspects. He also knows not all people are going to like him and will think that his Korean sucks or that he doesn't deserve to be in the group. He might be an eyesore to others. Hate will be thrown at him. But it doesn't matter what they think. He's the one on stage. Whether they cheer for him or not, he's going to rap his lines and do his dance and there's nothing they can do about it. He's in the group. If the members haven't kick him out for long, then he guesses he has some kind of a purpose in their team. Even if he himself doesn't really know what that is. So he will just swallow all his insecurities and bury all the negative comments he had seen or heard in the deep recesses of his mind. He'll just sing, dance and rap and if they don't like him, then they can just go fuck themselves.

 

 

Felix smiles to himself. This is it. He is in the process of accepting himself and all the flaws he comes with. He thinks of when he has first thought like this and realizes that he just became exhausted with feeling like a loser and that he is turning to be an anti. But instead of hating on other idols, he was just hating on himself over the opinions of some people irrelevant enough to not have a say in his life. He has grown too tired of being his biggest downer. Some people are just better than him and some people are just gonna be better than them. That's just how the world is. It doesn't mean he has to feel bad about himself. It doesn't mean he has to hate himself. Felix puffs his chest and steps forward as he hears their group name being announced. He decides that he is going to perform for himself. He is going to dance and sing and rap because he likes it. He is threading on this journey of being an idol because that is what he sets out to be, this is why he left Australia, his home and his family for. No amount of hate or negativity can stop him. Even if the hate and negativity come from his own self. He might not be the best. He might never be the best. But he is good enough.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Felix is one beautiful, talented Aussie. So for those Felix haters out there, go back to the mud you crawled out from and don't ever bother my boi ever!


End file.
